Healing A Heart

Healing.

It’s such an easy word to say, and yet it is such a hard process. HA! Hard process-that does not even describe where it starts. As long as I can remember I have been hurt and wore down. I don’t like to talk about it much-maybe because I don’t want to burden people or burden them any more than I already have, or maybe I don’t want to hurt my own reputation or how people think of me. I try and be a happy person, I naturally want to make other people happy before I am happy. I put my whole being into something of perfection. Someone that God would want me to be, someone that society expects me to be, someone that others need me to be. As a perfectionist and a people-pleaser I want to do all of these things-have to be these things.

I am ashamed to say that this fact that I have to be things these, or if I don’t I will let people down, shuts me down. Some days I just sit in my room for hours thinking about what I could be or who I SHOULD be. I try to distract myself with videos or music or books (which deep down I know does not help because it gives me nothing more than unrealistic expectations for myself). Some days I wonder what my future will hold and if all this pain and self-doubt is worth it.

I have been going through this cycle my whole life. From being bullied all throughout grade school-truly, I believe, breaking my self-worth (and therefore self-confidence into many pieces). To losing someone I loved, who gave me purpose and meant the world to me. To changing schools losing my friends and having to deal with the insensitive effects from others.

Through these things I put up a wall by telling myself its okay, I am not worth it. It is okay to work the rest of your life by yourself with no friends-this would at least mean there would be no one to live up to-to disappoint. The problem I face is that I am not satisfied with that life, but I don’t know how to change myself. I don’t know how to be okay. I don’t know how to ‘not care’. I don’t know how to pray to a God that I know I am not worthy of even though I have been told that through Jesus I am.

This is me, putting myself out there. This is me, telling you why I don’t post very often (I am scared of putting anything less than perfection out into the world and I don’t have motivation to do what I really want to do). So on that note, this may be totally irrelevant, but it might also help people and hopefully help me and I have decided to post this because this is my blog and platform and I know that because it is scary, I have to do it. .

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